Classic Post: Weekly Bullshit Horoscope.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Since it's been a while since I've blogged, I decided that I would take a look at my old blog to reacquaint myself with the format and tone that a good blog post should have.  While I was doing that I ran across the following and thought I would share it with everyone:

I've decided to add another weekly addition to this site, namely the weekly bullshit horoscope. Some might ask why I am doing such a thing. Well it's because yesterday I came across a horoscope warning me to be careful around fire and thought, Hell I can say stupidly obvious things like that! So here goes:


Aries:
There are many whom you feel very close to in your life. This week you should refrain from giving them wedgies, unless they happen to be jerks. Then feel free to give them wedgies. Also, this week you should be careful around fire.

Taurus:
Bulls are big smelly animals. So are you. You should shower daily. You should also use deodorant and wash your hair. Watch out for Spanish guys with capes and swords. Also, remember to be careful around fire.

Gemini:
This week with Saturn in retrograde you should be careful when operating electrical appliances while you're in the tub. If proper care is not taken you might get shocked or electrocuted. Another thing that you should be careful around is fire.

Cancer:
You have at least one superior at work whom you cannot stand. Hilarity will ensue if you grind up chocolate Ex-Lax and put it in their coffee (however, for reasons of liability, I cannot suggest that you do anything of the sort, but it would be funny if you did it). You should also be careful around fire this week.

Leo:
You are the king of the jungle, roar loudly and your colleagues and peers will go running in fright. Chase them like the Wildebeest they are. Do not be surprised when the police come and take you away. Also beware of fire this week.

Virgo:
With the moon in perigee this week you will eat something tasty. However, you should still eat moderately, if you over indulge you will get an upset stomach. Upset stomachs are very unpleasant and should be avoided. Also, if you aren't sufficiently vigilant around fire this week you might get burned.

Libra:
Heed the words of the great sage Jello Biafra, "And I do and I do. Crack up 'cos I'm getting to you. I see you, I see you. And you're pretty self-conscious too." This week you should also be careful around fire.

Scorpio:
Random and surprising events tend to occur in your life. This will also be true of this week. There will be at least one event that will surprise you. Such being the case, you shouldn't be too complacent around fire.

Sagittarius:
Your sign is a centaur. Centaurs are friggin' sweet. Half-man-half-horse, the only things cooler are ligers! However, even though your sign is a centaur you still shouldn't screw around with fire.

Capricorn:
Your sign is also some sort of chimera. However, it's a wrong and disturbing mergoat beast thing. You should be upset that you're represented by such an ugly totem. Perhaps you should petition astrologers to change Capricorn to something cooler like a liger. That said, even ugly goat fish hybrids like you need to be careful with fire, so don't play with matches.

Aquarius:
According to hippies we're in your age right about now. Do you feel special? Well you're not, you have to be careful around fire too. I've seen a guy who got third degree burns over 98% of his body, you don't want to end up like him.

Pisces:
With Mercury being in the zenith of its orbit there are many things that you should be concerned with in the next week. Primary among these is fire. Don't turn your back on it. It's out to get you. Be afraid, be very afraid.


Hopefully you find the above advice helpful. If they aren't, I hope you manage to avoid a painful, yet very spectacular, fiery death.